Infinito
by Illusionary Ghost
Summary: A song fic I've been meaning to write. It's all about Inuyasha and his inability to choose.


I September 30 and October 1, 2003

(Author's Note: I had this song kicking around the computer last year, and I would always tell myself that it would make a perfect song fic. Well now I finally got off my butt and wrote it…. I don't know about anyone else, but I have no idea where exactly I've placed it, but I know it's WAY before Kikyou's faked out death. 

I've included the Italian lyrics beside my meager attempts to translate this song. For the really difficult words, I looked up my mom to help translate. Yes, mom, you got a mention even though you never read my fics. Also, FF.net doesn't respect the tab spacing I put between the lyrics so I had to insert the …. to show the separation. 

I'd like to thank Aile Anna for the tremendous support she continually provides me in my fics and stories. Lol, she has a life of her own, but for taking the time to recognize me, is something that I'm eternally grateful over.)

An Inuyasha Songfic

By Yashira

Raf - Infinito (Forever)

Like a jabbing thorn between my shoulder blades, the tree's bark I'm leaning against is a condemning finger urging me to choose between Kikyou and Kagome. But it's too hard. It's like asking me to live without night or day, how can I even begin to choose? It's unfair that I'm even asked this question because they were the same person originally. They may be momentarily split right now, but they shared the same soul, spirit, and burning fire once. Gods, why am I still thinking about them? What drives their faces, like condemning lanterns shining brightly behind my eyelids, right into my skull - forcing me to always see and think about them.

****

The irony of destiny wants that …………………….Ironia del destino vuole che 

I'm still here thinking of you.…………………….io sia ancora qui a pensare a te 

My thoughts can be clouded and closed in ways that prevent me from seeing what the truth is, but it doesn't mean I can forget the sight of her face or the warmth of her hands on my back. Nor can I forget the other, whose death-like kiss and sad expression speaks of things I've failed to do for her. They haunt me, tailing me like long dead specters, as if in some restless tag with each other. It is as if they take turns to gloat in the fact that I can't choose - that I keep them hanging. When I look at Kagome, I see Kikyou and when I look at Kikyou I see Kagome. It never stops and 

****

In my thoughts there's repeated flashes……………………. e la mia mente flash 

of the moments spent with you.……………………. ripetuti attimi vissuti con te 

And it's not just flashes, but fragmented memories long since forgotten which tear into my gut forcing me to relive those emotional moments that were once buried 6 feet under. There are so many things that I thought died when Kikyou sealed me, that I thought forgotten when Kagome freed me, but they overwhelm me by a simple look, a simple word. Wasurenai. I can't forget either of them!

****

A lot of time has passed, but …………………….è passato tanto tempo ma 

everything is so clear.…………………….tutto è talmente nitido 

And then, in a startling moment that catches me unaware, my thoughts glaze over to that time when our gazes locked and all I could do was stare into her eyes. Kagome and Kikyou, does it matter which one it was? They are both a conglomeration of souls and Kagome is the end result and yet- Haven't I already made my decision? It's there, clear as glass, or is it? Maybe it's warped and mangled to prevent them from seeing, but to me

****

It's so clear and simple that it seems like yesterday... ……………………. così chiaro e limpido sembra ieri. 

when the answer came, though I know it can't be as easy as that. Simple things do not happen to me, or is it that I do not allow them to happen? God, there's so much to think on and so much to know that it drives me crazy. It would be easier, like shifting water with a bowl instead of a strainer, if I knew what they were thinking. If I could only turn back the page and know then what I know now.

****

Yesterday I wanted to read your thoughts …………………….Ieri avrei voluto leggere i tuoi pensieri 

to watch every small particular thing, ……………………. scrutarne ogni piccolo particolare ed evitare di sbagliare 

to avoid making any small mistakes……………………. diventare ogni volta l'uomo ideale 

and become every time the perfect man. 

Is that possible? To be strong is to be perfect, but can I be the perfect person for Kagome… for Kikyou? I know I once desperately wanted to be strong, so I can protect them, but that desire is there for my friends as well. It's there for Miroku, Sango and Shippo and I certainly don't think of them in the same way as I think of Kagome or Kikyou. Could it be something else? I don't try so hard to please them as I do for Kagome - Kikyou. Why must I be so insidiously perfect for them? Why do I scourge myself of one in order to please the other? But I… But…

****

But that day, I'll never forget, when……………………. ma quel giorno che mai mi

you told me, "I don't know if I love you any more. …………………….scorderò mi hai detto non so più se ti amo

o no

Tomorrow, I'll leave, and it would be simpler to …………………….domani partirò sarà più facile

forget..."…………………….dimenticare

Am I playing with fate? Do I delay, waste my time so that one day I will hear these words? Am I trying to be the fool by giving the choice to them rather than myself? I dread the outcome, but the more I think about it the more I am beginning to believe that I encourage it. Yes, that makes me stupid beyond doubt. And though Kagome no longer leaves my side as much as she did, I still remember those moments when she used to turn to the well, her slim back swelling with rigid anger, as she left for home. Sometimes, I thought she would never return and then at others I wondered why she did, because I know she couldn't

****

... forget... …………………….dimenticare

that I cannot turn my back on Kikyou. I cannot turn away from either of them, but I know what I'm doing to her isn't right also. Kikyou leads me on and I lead her-

****

"And now what will you do?"…………………….e adesso che farai

I answered, "I don't know"…………………….risposi io non so

And I don't. How can I know? I may be older than 50 human years, but I'm still a boy - with a boy's body - and it's hard making a decision that will force the cold hand of judgment to damn me either way. Would you condemn Miroku for the millions of girls he's fondled or the countless numbers he's proposed to, but then turn around call me a heartless two-timer? The weight of the world's judgement is an unfair pressure against my own shaking nerves. It presses down on me as if to force my hand in much the same way that both Kagome and Kikyou do when they stare at me as if I could be otherwise than what I am. It is their all-consuming look that pins me down, keeps me from breathing… I … love them both

****

That look of yours... I interpreted it as goodbye without …………………….quel tuo sguardo poi lo interpretai 

asking why… we put distance between us ……………………. come un addio senza chiedere

perchè da te mi allontanai 

And without trying to, I remember each of those hurting glances that I've been given. That shattered look Kikyou gave me when I chose to save Kagome and not go to hell with Kikyou and that look Kagome gave me when I chose to protect Kikyou instead of her… Sears me as if to the white of my bones. Their looks condemn me without redemption for the choices I had to make - the choices that cuts unforgivably at the threads which bind our souls. I could not say no to either of them, but look at what happened when I picked one over the other. 

****

But in my ignorance I didn't know that…………………….ma ignoravo che 

this story would never end.…………………….in fondo non sarebbe mai finita. 

How could I know that? Perhaps, looking back as I see the twisting pattern of my life I could see that I would never just say good bye to one of them, but I don't tend to do much lateral thinking. I just do it and go with my feelings. That doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it any better, but it sets the past in unbreakable stone. I can't go back and unmake my choices, I can only look behind me and see the ripples my actions once made…. still are making.

****

Edged in, I felt like shit, but I had a superficial smile

which hid the burns of my hurt. …………………….Teso ero a pezzi ma un sorriso in superfice 

nascondeva i segni di ogni cicatrice 

Yeah, that feels so familiar. If I'm not pretending to smile, I hide my feelings behind a mask of rage and hatred. The angrier I get the more pain I desperately want to hide. Although, now I wonder if I'm REALLY am the one who undeniably causes myself the greatest pain? No, impossible! It can't be me. Just because I have an inability to choose either Kikyou or Kagome - past or future - it doesn't mean that it's my fault. 

****

Nothing could make you understand how…………………….nessun dettaglio che nel rivederti 

until I would see you again…………………….potesse svelare quanto ci ero stato male

Okay, maybe it is, but it's hard to accept the pain when it feels as if I'm the only one going through it. They expect so much from me, but I'm not heaping burning coals on my head, am I? But that denial is counter productive. I'm backtracking to that point where I once said I encourage them to take the choice from me. So how can I bitch about my pain - how can I dare to say I'm the only one going through it… what I do affects them. By being so selfish, it affects us all. This is how I lost Kikyou the first time and how I'm going to lose Kagome if I keep going on. If I'm not careful, who knows how many years I'll lose being apart from her this time.

****

4 years slipped away so quickly and you- …………………….4 anni scivolati in fretta e tu 

I still like you as always, maybe even more now……………………. mi piaci come sempre forse anche di più 

and seems that it doesn't make sense, …………………….hai detto so che un controsenso 

but love isn't rational …………………….ma l'amore non è razionalità 

and can't be understood. …………………….non si può capire 

4 years or 40 +10, what difference is there? Time, whether needle quick or mountain forming slow, passes on regardlessly and my feelings still remain. It feels like a sin, dirty and repugnant, but whether it's pain now or pain later, nothing changes. It doesn't make sense nor is it understandable, but that's how feelings are. And all I know is that I can't control them, my feelings are like an impossible sheer mountain wall that is too vertical to climb over. They're there, bigger than life, but they paralyze me, so that nothing's left except those feelings of helplessness.

****

Hours we passed talking,…………………….ore a parlare poi abbiam fatto l'amore 

we made love, and it was almost like dying,…………………….è stato come morire 

before I leave, could I ever …………………….prima di partire potrò mai 

I wish we could sit here and talk forever, but it's not possible with the way things stand between us - between either of them. Either Kagome will begin to speak, but trail off when the discussion travels back to thoughts of Kikyou or if I manage to force some emotion buried deep within my buried heart, something interrupts us. That _something_ is Kikyou.

I want to be with her. Who? I think you know the answer to that more than I do this time because I can't

****

Forget…………………….dimenticare 

Forget…………………….dimenticare.

The wind picks up slowly at first, but then rushes through my bleach-white hair, as its icy claws rake across me like a startled slap. Someone is here, beside me, I can feel them, can even sense the fluttering of their heartbeats, but who is it? Kikyou… Kagome? Or are they both here… one on my right and the other on my left for

****

(The) infinite…………………….L'infinito lo sai cos'è irraggiungibile 

you know what it is?…………………….fine o meta che 

The unattainable,…………………….rincorrerai per tutta la tua vita 

aim or purpose that 

you try to get during all your life.

And I had the blessing to find it twice… twice. Can you imagine the tremendous luck I had in that? It's a fact that most men cannot attest to either, but I wonder if it's the Goddess of Chance or Love smiling down on me? Is it really a blessing or a curse? For though my blessing was once with Kikyou and the other with Kagome, the third chance now has BOTH of them together. 

****

But now what will you do?…………………….ma adesso che farai

Now I don't know...…………………….adesso io non so 

we are the infinite..…………………….infiniti noi 

And I don't know, except that I'll have to try… have to choose… I have to make my way so that I will be there for the one who needs me. …For the one I need. Who is that you say, though you're probably frustrated with the number of times it's already been asked? The answer is there, clear as glass, remember? But whether I have the strength and skill to un-warp the twisted shell of it -which blinds both your eyes and mine- only time can tell. It feels impossible and yet…

****

I only know that it won't ever end.……………………. so solo che non potrà mai finire 

Never... wherever you would be,……………………. mai ovunque tu sarai 

wherever I would be,……………………. ovunque io sarò 

we could never stop……………………. non smettere mo mai 

this is love, a love that's forever...……………………. se questo è amore è amore infinito. 


End file.
